"Uneven": How I Learned To Love Myself

"Uneven": How I Learned To Love Myself

I first started "budding" when I was 11 years old. My mom told me it was time for me to pick out my very first bra. I picked out a bra from the store and tried it on when I got home. Honestly, I hated it! I was unaccustomed to wearing a bra and as a result, I was very uncomfortable. I even wished that I didn't have breasts at all a handful of times! A few months passed. I still did not like it but was beginning to become more comfortable with it. That is until, one morning, after taking a shower, I just so happened to look in the mirror as I got dressed and realized that one of my breasts was slightly larger than the other.

My heart sank, as a perfectionist, one of the worst possible things that could happen to you is to be born with a noticeable flaw. I tried to look at them from different angles. Sideways, left, right, even upside-down. Sure enough, to my horror, the left was slightly larger than the right. Now I really felt like I hated having breasts! Every day was a struggle not to wear something that would make it more visible. I tried to only wear clothes that made it difficult to see the difference. This meant getting rid of a lot of my favorite striped shirts, which I hated! I was really upset about it but managed to keep my feelings hidden from my Mom and my friends for several months. During that time, I constantly researched a possible way to fix it. Cosmetic surgeries, exercises, even a few odd diets. I tried a few of the exercises, but never for long. Even though they were basically ordinary exercises, it always felt so awkward!

I hated looking in the mirror! Every time I did, it always reminded me of how weird and flawed I was. I kept reading blogs and medical articles about how it's okay to be "imperfect" and that being a little uneven (particularly, the left being slightly or moderately larger than the right) is actually normal as long as you do not feel any pain or lumps. I also read that a lot of tweens and teens around my age also experience "imbalance".  For the majority, it usually evens out when they reach the age range of about 17-21 years old. This made me feel a little better but I still felt really troubled about it. 

Inevitably, it finally happened... My mom and I were trying on clothes in the mirror. When I tried on a specific long-sleeved shirt, she noticed it. She did not say anything hurtful about it, but just the fact that she noticed it made me feel really embarrassed! She researched it for me and told me some of the same things I had been reading. I thanked her for looking out for me but told her that I had already read similar things that didn't help very much. Then, she told me something I didn't know. She said, "Did you know it's the same way for Jennifer Lawrence?" "REALLY?!" I said. Jennifer Lawrence was my favorite actress at the time! Especially, after watching the Hunger Games! Hearing that someone I looked up to was going through the same thing I was made me feel so much better! Not completely okay with it, but better! For months after that, I did not even think about it! Until that pesky mirror struck again! I looked in the mirror one day and realized my breasts were even more uneven! I was horrified! "How could this happen?!" "This is supposed to get better with time, not worse!" Everything started all over again! The stress, the insecurity, the anxiety, all of it!

I literally was almost wishing I did not have breasts in the first place! I remember how I used to stay awake until 3 am researching what to do. I really started looking into cosmetic surgery then! As I looked at possible doctors and specialists to go to in the future, I ended up coming across photos of the women who were going to have these surgeries performed. Most of them had severe asymmetry. For example, one of their breasts a 32a, the second a 38c or d. It was at that moment that I realized, it was nowhere near as bad for me as I thought it was. I was thankful that things were not worse but still felt pretty bad. 

After months of stress, I finally decided not to even look in the mirror anymore! I stopped wearing all of my favorite sports bras and just stuck to wired and left it at that. Years went by and I kept my resolve. I no longer looked in the mirror in the morning and as a result no longer worried about it. Out of sight, out of mind! I shifted my focus to other things like my friends and school. This worked for a long time, but then, one day, I did it! I unintentionally looked in the mirror after I got out of the shower! But this time, something different happened! Maybe it was the wisdom that comes from getting older. Maybe I just didn't care anymore. But when I looked in the mirror, I realized I actually wasn't that bad! In fact, I could see that over time, they had actually begun to even out! They weren't perfect but they were okay! I had pretty much passed the age where it was still possible for me to "grow out of it", but for some reason, it just didn't bother me anymore! The older I got, the more I learned from my family, friends, and personal experiences to accept myself and not to worry too much about the way I look!

Now that I am older, I'm actually thankful to be made just the way I am! I may not be "perfect", but I'm "perfectly me", and that is more than good enough! Whenever one of my friends talks about how much they hate their appearance, I always remind them that it's what's on the inside that really matters. I know that's really cliche but I have found it to be so true! I'm still learning to take my own advice but one thing I have learned is that you should never compare yourself to what is "normal". Because, in reality, "normal" does not even really exist.

Everyone is so different and unique in their own way! You can't compare a tiger to a peacock because they are two very different animals. There are certain things unique to just the tiger that make it beautiful. Just like there are certain unique things that make the peacock beautiful in its own way! I also learned that just because I had slightly asymmetric breasts, did not mean I was flawed or imperfect. In fact, it's my quirks and unique features that actually make me, as I like to say, "perfectly me"! When I realized this, I didn't care anymore! I didn't fight to hide all the "little imperfections" anymore. I accepted who I was and what I looked like and felt a tremendous weight removed from my shoulders because of it!

As of this very moment, I challenge every one of you to do the same! Stop worrying about all of your little "flaws" and "imperfections" and learn to accept them, love them even! Because honestly, they are not really "flaws" at all. They are a part of what makes you, you! Personally, I think that's something to be celebrated not ashamed of! I hope you agree and that my story has inspired you to accept and love yourself just the way you are!

Thank you for reading!

- Leila ♡